Luke and Lucy and the Texas Rangers

Release Date: 2009

Country: Belgium, The Netherlands

Running Time: 86 minutes

Distributed By: Bridge Entertainment Group

Directors: Mark Mertens, Wim Bien

Producer: Eric Wirix

Screenplay: Dirk Nielandt, Guy Mortier, Eric Wirix
Starring (Voices of): Frank Lammers, Jeroen van Koningsbrugg, Pierre Brokma, Kees Boot
Raymonde de Kuyper, Marijn Klaver

Rating: D

An animated mess. A colossal failure. A C-G flop. These descriptions only scratch the surface of the disaster and experience that was my viewing of the world premiere of Luke and Lucy and the Texas Rangers at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival.

I have to admit that I had high expectations for Luke and Lucy and the Texas Rangers; I mean come on, it’s animated. How in the world could they screw that up? The promotional posters looked great, the logline of the film was enticing, and it was one of the few animated films here at the festival. This would appear to be a great recipe for what should have been a great film. But just like the food here in France, Luke and Lucy and the Texas Rangers lured me in only to leave a bad taste in my mouth and an empty stomach. The plot was hastily undercooked; the voice acting inauthentic; and the digital effects less than appetizing.

Where do I even begin when discussing the shortfalls of Luke and Lucy and the Texas Rangers? Well, for starters, the title is a mouthful in and of itself. I saw the film during a market screening along with fellow Cannes Study Abroad classmates Stacey Graves and Brian Russell, and I believe the name of the film should be reworked from Luke and Lucy and the Texas Rangers to Eric and Stacy and Brian and the Worst Movie Ever. Maybe if the title had a comma after Lucy, I would have been more likely to digest at least some aspect of the film.

Now let’s move to the plot line. Even for a children’s animated film, the plotline is ridiculous. Yes, I’ve seen animated motion pictures about talking animals and toys coming to life, but Luke and Lucy and the Texas Rangers wouldn’t even pass the believability test of a 4 year-old child. The film begins with you guessed it—Texas Rangers, who struggle to maintain peace in fictional Dark City, Texas, against villain Jim Parasite. Seriously, Parasite? Out of all the villainous and demonstrative names the scriptwriters could’ve created, the best they could come up with was Jim Parasite? Anyway, for some undisclosed reason, Parasite randomly and sporadically comes into town shrinking people.

Parasite soon sets his eyes on capturing the Texas Rangers, and he shrinks them into pint size cowboys and places them in glass jars; however, Tom, one of the top Rangers, is accidentally pushed into a box of wine that is going to be sold in Boston, Massachusetts. Don’t ask why the dungeon of an evil man also doubles as a nationwide winery because I have yet to find out that answer myself.

Back in Boston, cunning businessman Bill Buster sells the box of wine to doddering idiot Ambrose. Wilber, Ambrose’s friend, who for no apparent reason wears a huge retainer and possesses supernatural strength, tosses Bill in the river (I’m assuming that this was supposed to funny, but you could hear crickets chirping in the theater). Later, kids Luke and Lucy and their Aunt Sybill, whom they call “Auntie,” visit their neighbor Ambrose and discover that there is indeed a man inside Ambrose’s wine box.

They all take Tom to Professor, yes that’s the only name we’re given, so that he can attempt to bring Tom back to human size. Tom urges the family to go stop Jim Parasite in Texas. So five people, including two kids, all with zero training and expertise, drive to Texas in order to find out who Jim Parasite is and how to stop him. They all immediately become Texas Rangers; once again, the audience is left with no explanation as to how this is all happening.

After meeting vivacious singer “Missy,” Aunt Sybill quickly accuses her of being Jim Parasite. But after a series of anticlimactic encounters with Parasite and after Wilber is shrunken and taken hostage, they discover that it is not Missy but instead the cowardly Sheriff who disguises himself as Jim Parasite. Here, we get a “Scooby Doo-esque” revelation scene in which the “mettling” kids find out the true identity of the villain and the villain says he would have gotten away if it were not for those “mettling kids” aka Luke and Lucy. After Professor is successful in bringing Tom back to his normal size, they fly to Texas and Tom awards Luke and Lucy with honorary Texas Ranger status. This happy ending matched my happiness of the film ending.

In addition to the boring and ridiculous plotline, the casting directors of Luke and Lucy and the Texas Rangers did a horrible job with the characters’ voices. If all of the main characters where supposed to be from Boston, Massachusetts, I sure couldn’t tell. With their country accents, saying things like “Auntie” and “fixin,” I thought they were from Georgia rather than Boston. This obvious mistake is crucial—how are we expected to invest in the characters if they don’t have the right voices and accents?

If I haven’t made myself clear by now, don’t go see Luke and Lucy and the Texas Rangers; you will have more fun being shot in the arm. I understand it’s a children’s movie, but it won’t even entertain its target audience. At the end of the premier, Brian, Stacy, and I were the only people left in attendance. And that’s because the director sat right next to us, blocking our exit! Luke and Lucy and the Texas Rangers is a shining example for what an animated film should never resemble.